I’d Rather Be Liked Than Loved: The Musings Of A 60-Year-Old Woman
How many times have we watched celebrity interviews of couples gushing over their love for each other, only to quickly learn about their “uncoupling” or their decision “to parent separately”? Melinda and Bill Gates, the latest couple in this phenomenon, dispelled the perception that possessing extreme wealth is enough to sustain a loving relationship. However, if the photos and videos on social media are any indication, most couples around the world have found their happily ever after.
On social media, there are ubiquitous chronicles of intimate dinners, unwrappings of expensive gifts, and travels to exotic locales. There are coordinated dance routines and outfits; numerous reveals — all the trappings of what modern society constitutes as romantic love and happiness. And after viewing large helpings of these posts, I often admonish myself for being a grade-A hater when I dismiss many of these offerings as performative. Is it the envy in my jaundiced eyes through which I’m viewing these posts? Maybe. But within these infinite examples of online love, I see few examples of people who genuinely like each other.
Posts on Instagram et al, (like vintage Kodak photos) are basically curated moments in time. Viewers are not privy to personal backstories of happiness, fears, angst, depression, regrets, ambivalence, or weakness, just a few slices of perfectly projected lives. That’s why I’ve never liked “reality” shows like Survivor, Naked and Afraid, and Man vs Wild because I am unable to suspend belief that the protagonists are in danger of dehydration or serious injury with an omniscient camera crew (and a wily producer) filming the production. Good edits result in compelling television. I have similar feelings about online pregnancy reveals, photoshoots of babies and birthdays, engagements, and weddings. These days aren’t always perfect. Sometimes memorable events don’t live up to expectations. There are fights beforehand and disappointments. Things go off-script, but we never show them. The world must see it all as perfect!
A few years ago, a pregnant mother and her two young children were reported missing, and subsequently, she was found in a shallow grave and the children in oil tanks. On Valentine’s Day, a few weeks prior, the deceased woman had posted on social media about her good fortune, her love for her husband, and their unmatched happiness. She had seemingly omitted that she was planning to divorce her husband and move away. He, on the other hand, was in the throes of a love affair with another woman. But on social media, they were the poster family of #marriagegoals.
Over the years I would ask students if they would prefer to be liked or loved by someone. Young people, like most individuals, readily argue that “love” carries a stronger emotional bond between individuals than “like”. I would tell students to think of their family members as regular people, even strangers. If your mother wasn’t your mother, would you like her? How about your sister or aunt? As a parent, I often did the same with my daughter, observing her from a distance as someone else’s offspring and not mine. Although patriarchy employs the narrative that pregnancy and childbirth are the most fulfilling stages of a woman’s life, few women dare to admit that pregnancy sucks. In the same way, parents hate to admit that although they love their children, often they do not like them. And I’m not referring to the biblical semantics of “loving the sinner but not the sin”, I mean seriously not liking the individual.
I have always preferred to be liked rather than loved. Most would contend that in order to love an individual, one must first like the person. I disagree. Several times in my life I’ve been infatuated by men that I did not like. More often than not, the people we like are those individuals who share our core values. When we like people we tend to be honest with them. I have found that love alone is not enough to withstand the serious headwinds of life, despite what is sung in ballads and shown in movies. The lyrics from Gregory Porter’s ‘Insanity’ are accurate: “Sometimes the lover can be angry ’til the end/But it’s always the friend inside that will make amend…” Some individuals display behaviors to people they love that they would never think of doing to a friend. They value their friendships and try hard to maintain them, so they never overstep boundaries. Unfortunately, in affairs of the heart, boundaries are often the first casualties. Your partner doesn’t necessarily have to be your BFF, but he or she should be someone you genuinely like.
Many women structure their lives according to the dictates of society, setting a timeline to be wed, own a home, and become mothers. In doing so, they may end up marrying men they do not necessarily like, but the deadline becomes of utmost importance. Men, too, choose women for their social currency, their physical appearance, and their propensity to yield, although they might’ve preferred a different mate. We all make calculations for what we hope will be bliss or as close to some modicum of tolerance. But once the novelty has waned and the difficult part of building a marriage begins, when we must work together as a unit, this is the time we often realize if we like each other or not. Mortgages, cars, children, all the entrapments of nuclear family life aren’t a strong enough yoke to hold us together.
For what it’s worth, I see merit in some arranged marriages. In these unions, individuals don’t initially have romantic attachments, but mutual respect. If they’re fortunate, romantic love will come at the backend of the relationship. Nonetheless, the weight of family and community helps these marriages to endure. As human beings, we are always changing. A woman at 25, is not the same person at 45 or 60 years of age. The same is true of men. Some days a partner may be the most wonderful, perfect being ever to walk out of a shower, while a few weeks later that same person might be akin to a virago or an earth demon. However, if there is no friendship, no liking for each other as the mediating benchmark in the relationship, the most minor infraction may push the union over the precipe.
In societies around the world, the accumulation of stuff; the constant grind, and being busy were formidable distractions until the Covid-19 pandemic unintentionally unearthed a niggling truth: many couples didn’t like being together for extended periods. No doubt, nerves were frayed, from months of being cloistered at home, but those who were friends and not just lovers were more likely to withstand the pressures of forced confinement. Going forward, I hope we reduce our online performances of romantic love and curated happiness and focus more on being present in our lives. Aside from some of the major life events, when we are being authentic, and truly enjoy being around people we like and who like us, we forget to document. What do you think?
