Wanted: Woman, Black and Dominant
Exploring BDSM as an older Black woman
Nearing my 60th birthday, my last date being more than 5 years ago; with a gentle nudge from my daughter, I downloaded a dating app to my phone and rejoined an online dating community. I knew I would encounter the fake profiles of men’s photos from decades earlier, the ubiquitous dude brandishing the big fish; and the occasional man looking to prey on women desperate to be in a committed relationship. I posted my photos from a recent trip abroad; wrote a desultory blurb; completed the inane prompts and waited.
Over the next few days, I would routinely switch my location to different European cities, as well as to locales miles outside of my current location. “You still got it, Girl!” I thought, pleasantly surprised by the attention I was receiving from men. One man confessed after a few exchanges that he wasn’t 56, but 34, but he liked older women. When I mentioned I could be his mother, he aptly replied, “But you aren’t!” Touchè! I soon realized that whether the men were residing in the U.S.A. or internationally, some of them kept using the word “dominant” in their dialogue with me. I was familiar with what lay behind that word since on previous dating sites men had made hints, but no one had ever spoken concretely about their desires. I thought back several years when one brave soul had asked if I would meet him in the city, miles away from my home, to cane him for a few hundred bucks. At that time, I had found the request both amusing and revolting, asking myself what about my physical appearance could have elicited this desire for a random a** whupping?
Within the first day of launching my online profile, one man in Switzerland contacted me, and after the requisite greetings, he asked if I would mind being in an intimate relationship with a submissive man. This time, I did not disengage. Blame it on Covid-19 home confinement with European series on Amazon Prime for over a year, that made me realize the erotic fantasies of a middle-aged white man would trump reading subtitles. A while back, I had asked my daughter, a psychiatrist, why some heterosexual men seemed to eagerly embrace the dominant/submissive (D/s) paradigm, electing to be the sub, in a relationship. Without blinking, she had explained that there existed a coterie of professional men (CEOs, politicians, bankers) who wanted a reprieve from the daily pressures of leadership and who deferred to others in their private lives. With that information in mind, the man and I took our conversation to WhatsApp and I began my shock and awe journey into the vagaries of the dominant/submissive lifestyle. I’m not a total prude, as I understand that human sexuality is as far-ranging and unique as a snowflake; still, my Caribbean socialization left me with certain prohibitions that were difficult to dismiss. It was a struggle, but I eventually set aside my bias against the panoply of bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and sadism masochism (BDSM).
He was an executive, had traveled widely throughout the U.S.A. and Europe, and now lived alone in a major Swiss city. He had been married, had an adult child, and realized late in life that he “became hot” when he was with a woman who allowed him to attain a submissive posture. Over the years he had had two long-term relationships and a few flings where he pursued his submissive desires, but currently, he was finding difficulty exploring his kink within a committed relationship. Over many days of posing questions and listening to his answers, I learned more about the D/s community than I ever knew existed. I became more intrigued and surfed Reddit, watched videos on YouTube, and read blog articles to better understand the foundational aspects of this lifestyle.
Of course, I knew of the existence of the professional dominatrix with her whips and black boots and I had seen some of the comical forays into D/s roleplaying. Although I had never read or watched any iteration of 50 Shades of Grey, I knew that the book’s popularity had thrust the once private or secretive lifestyle of D/s into the imaginations of readers/viewers across the world. I remembered some of my friends in the Caribbean, rather reserved women, being titillated by the scenarios presented in the books. As shocking as the D/s scenarios were for my friends back then, the novel and films still adhered to the basic hegemonic paradigm of the man being the dominant actor in the sexual relationship. Within the patriarchal, capitalist hierarchy, women are presented as passive beings who must defer to men in all spaces. As the weaker sex, the woman is by default: submissive.
The more I mulled over the D/s archetypes, it seemed that the patriarchal hierarchy of men on top and women at the bottom have kept men and women imprisoned in performative roles they might not authentically ascribe to. Most cisgender men are forced to act “masculine” which usually appears as aggressive and physically threatening behaviors. It is not a stretch to say that masculinity and physical strength are coupled. While to submit, to display weakness, or to be soft is interpreted as feminine. I was surprised by how the D/s partnership has reimagined this patriarchal structure. I learned that there are set rules of consent and boundaries within some D/s partnerships, unlike the malleable structures in cis-gender pairings. As a potential Mistress, I could luxuriate in the tub; stay in bed all day; or go out for drinks, leaving my sub to complete a range of domestic chores, with him awaiting my return to be punished or praised for his efforts.
So, I wondered, given the power dynamics that exist in most societies, why would a man actively want to be submissive? Why would a man hand over his dominance to a woman? I could not help but superimpose these questions on the space that Black men and Black manhood occupy in the American imagination. It is no secret that Black men pride themselves on being hard; on being strong and tough, and not “folding’ in the face of adversity or supposed physical threats. The ubiquitous swag and the show of physical dominance are grounded in the historical and contemporary threats imposed on the Black male body. He has had to develop an exoskeleton to navigate the forces of racism, poverty, mass incarceration; lack of opportunity, and even constant opposition from other Black men. For the Black man, in addition to having to perfect a dominant stance in his everyday life, he must also contend with the trope of possessing an insatiable sexual appetite and being a force of nature in bed. To this end, he must consistently display his sexual dominance in relationships or risk being ridiculed. So, is there space for the Black man to be submissive? While the non-Black Titans of industry and politics shape and impact societies with a policy or a tweet, privately, many of these men submit to being dominated and humiliated by women. In their boardrooms, they would never hand over the reins of power to the female executive, but in their bedrooms, they willingly concede their power to become a pliant, defiled, and disempowered sexual being.
These men inhabit two worlds and shift effortlessly from being powerful to being powerless at will. It called to mind the image of the superhero descending into his dungeon, but instead of exchanging his cape for a sweater, he slips into a collar and leash and quietly awaits his Mistress’s commands. On the other hand, the Black male is placed in a perpetual straitjacket, with no escape. He is constantly on guard, constantly in a state of alert, constantly having to act in charge even when he is not. He must perform dominance. Sometimes, within a relationship where the female is the more financially viable partner, the Black man is still expected to dominate her. There is the personal and societal pressure for him to “man up”; to not reveal weakness; to have swag; to be aggressive, since dominance in most cases connotes mental and physical strength. For a Black man to express gratitude, to acknowledge fear; to be soft is to be a punk or a p****y.
When a man expresses his desire to be dominated, to relinquish his power; to serve, and to be guided by a woman; is this freedom, or is this feminization? Would Black men become more emotionally integrated or be free from harmful archetypes, if they had the space to be submissive? How would some Black women feel inhabiting a dominant role intimately, when they are already perceived as strong and dominant in their everyday lives? From the blogs I read, I realized that there is a segment of Black women in the African Diaspora who crave being a sub in a D/s relationship. However, they are loathed to actively participate in any of the (mostly white) communities because of the pernicious relics of slavery and racism that still exist. The terms “master” and “slave” which are part of the D/s lexicon are probably too problematic for most Black people who might want to explore their kink. The term Sub While Black (SWB), has been coined to speak to the unique Black experiences that exist within the BDSM community. According to Ivy Summer, the co-founder of After Hours, “…many people don’t create the space and psychological safety for Black people and people of color…” Mollena Williams, writer of The Perverted Negress, and a veteran of the BDSM community, who identifies as a slave/sub to her European husband, describes a harrowing experience wherein a race-play scene — a skit mimicking hegemonic racial scenarios — she experienced violent racism. I watched a YouTube video of a Black dominatrix who found that she confronted the same issues in the BDSM community that she experienced as a Black woman in the wider society. There were the same blatant pay disparities and less access to high-paying customers. Even when the stereotypes of Black women being strong and harsh should’ve pushed her to the top of the D/s line, racism was still a major factor in her success.
To get a better grasp of this new world, I spoke with a wily, gay millennial, who in his professional and private life had insight into the BDSM lifestyle. He contended that some Black men (gay or straight), secretly explored experiences that would fall within the BDSM pantheon. They participated in online activities with non-Black people that included “pegging”, orgies and open relationships. Nonetheless, he said they had to “creep” to explore their sexual desires, as opposed to freely expressing themselves within their marriages or relationships. He said these Black men may have been unable or unwilling to withstand the Black gaze, which might regard their kink as taboo. To my surprise, I discovered veteran organizations like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), Black Rose and Black Expressions, Alternative Tastes (BEAT) that facilitate social and educational events for kinksters who are Black, as well as people of color.
Meanwhile, there is a disproportionate amount of Black people who adhere to the myth that “kinky” or “freaky” stuff is solely the purview of white people. They believe that the sexual imaginations of Black people are vanilla with no deviation from what is classified as “normal.” We can’t pretend that the puritanical tenets of Christianity haven’t been deeply ingrained in the Black psyche aligning some sexual acts or desires with the biblical Sodom and Gomorrah. Within the D/s glossary, I came across the word “switching” which described couples who frequently switch roles and do not adhere slavishly (no pun intended) to prescribed D/s stances. For some reason, the “two-spirit” individuals identified within Native American culture came to mind. These people inhabit both masculine and feminine spaces and are at once, dominant and submissive, expressing desires within the spectrum of human experiences and human sexuality. I can’t shake the feeling that Black people have been placed within sexual straitjackets with no room for them to explore their true nature. In inhabiting definitive social and emotional roles, many of us have turned to self-loathing or have found guilt and shame in desires where none should exist. Audre Lorde in her seminal work Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power contends that “we have been raised to fear the yes in ourselves, our deepest cravings…”
After consuming an extra-large dose of D/s literature, I can say unequivocally, I could never be a sub, especially for a non-Black man. As a Black woman, it is never easy to determine where fetishism and racism intersect; but the weight of history, the microaggressions, and my powerful will prohibit me from being servile. At my age, I don’t think I can become a dominatrix either. The high heel boots and corsets would do me in within the first five minutes! Yet, I continue to enjoy the repartee with this man, but the distance and time zones thwart any serious developments. Our conversations are wildly humorous and mind-opening. I’ve expanded my perspective, and for me that’s great! I share some of the torrid stories with my middle-aged friends around the globe, and we alternately suck our teeth and laugh until it hurts. Upon reflection, it would have been great if I could have had these candid conversations about sexuality and desires with my Black male partners when I was young.
Nonetheless, learning about D/s partnerships has given me more insight into the different types of relationships that exist in the world. Some people seem to revel in unequal or hegemonic relationships: teacher-student; parent-child; employer-worker. The individual possessing the power takes the dominant stance, and most of us want to be that person holding the reins of power. Yet, the heady feeling of being in control can easily turn toxic. At its apex, the D/s modality is based on consent, open communication, and being highly attuned to the wishes of one’s partner. The degree of trust and openness between partners should be constantly renegotiated no matter the pairing. With power, comes responsibility and regard for the other person’s well-being. For whatever reason the sub in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship chooses to serve his/her “master” or “mistress”, and seeks pleasure in being dominated; I believe he/she can still exert power within his/her self-imposed subjugation.
