Why Are American Men Of A Certain Age Not Sexy?
Last year, on a dating app, I had a few weeks of steamy exchanges with a German man who wanted to be whipped and some extended texts with a Texan whose worldview and politics conflicted greatly with mine. I forwarded a text to my daughter from a man who asked: “Are you interested in any type of hookup?” Not being hip to the vernacular, she readily provided the interpretation. After thirty days of no Netflix and Chill or no potential romantic connections, I canceled my subscription. A few days ago, I rejoined the dating platform with the notion of “new year, new intentions!” I changed my location several times. One day after swiping left on between 25 to 40 men in my inbox (from different cities), I got to wondering, why are American men of a certain age so physically unappealing?
I am 60 years old, and I’ve set up my profile to see men that are five years older or younger than me. I would love to match with a geriatric Adonis or Idris Elba, but would gladly settle for less. Nevertheless, the men in my age group are remarkably confident in their various states of unattractiveness. Since I am unable to see my female counterparts on the app, what the men are presented with is indeed a mystery to me. Maybe the men may find us, women, equally hard on their eyes. But on my end, I am presented with poorly groomed, overweight, and sartorially challenged men. I am irked most by the middle-aged men sporting fitted caps and oversized jerseys and cargo shorts reminiscent of the ’90s. Some are adorned in pink and purple suits and fedoras like pimps (regardless of race). Others pose in front of cars or on motorcycles with rotund stomachs that make it difficult for them to behold their member. They snap shirtless selfies on their couches or beds; hold court over excessive amounts of food and drink, and cuddle or kiss their pets too intimately. There are ubiquitous posts of pictures of when they had a headful of hair, all their teeth, and were athletic.
Then when I switch the “travel mode” to cities in Europe or countries in Africa the men are more palatable to the eye than their American contemporaries. On average, most of the men are surprisingly fit for being over 50. Their clothes are well-coordinated, trendy, and complement their bodies. There are few if any older men in plaid shorts and t-shirts or kissing cats or dogs. They appear to spend more time doing outdoor activities and few if any can be found caressing luxury cars. Is it the American diet, the penchant for all-you-can-eat buffets, the garish displays of consumerism, the sedentary lifestyle, or sloth? Or is the fact that hordes of women of all ages still fawn over these men? Whatever it is, they are surely in possession of large servings of confidence.
As a middle-aged Black woman, I am well aware that I am at the bottom of the dating and marrying hierarchy, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept the adage: “half a loaf is better than no bread.” I thought dating apps would give individuals the opportunity to present the best of themselves through photos, then we could meet and dispel (or confirm) our first impressions of each other. Unfortunately, like everything else in 21st century America, the majority of men on these platforms seem unwilling to do anything but the bare minimum to appeal to women. I am well aware that we should never “judge a book by its cover.” However, it is difficult to initiate a chat, to get to know a man better when how he chooses to present himself isn’t hitting at all.
